Hey ladies – I’m going to write specifically to you – not that men can’t experience this as well, but I have had a lot of friends talk to me about this struggle recently.
About a year ago I was struggling with anxiety and letting fear rule my life. A tragedy had happened with another pastor’s wife in a few states over and it really shook our denominations world. It felt too close to home, and having just moved to our new appointment, I was feeling very insecure and nervous. A new neighborhood, new people, no idea what these people were like, and being 6 months pregnant with out youngest made for a very rough go.
I remember lying awake for hours at night, running through scenario after scenario of what would I do if an intruder came into our house. How would I protect my children? How would secure a future for them from some unnamed assailant. And I would cry. I would shake. But mostly – I would just lie there until my eyes would betray me and I would fall into a fitful sleep only to awake the next morning thanking God that I had made it through another night.
Phew.
That was exhausting writing that out. I can still remember how exhausting it was to live it.
That’s the funny thing with fear, though, isn’t it? I was terrified. I was trying to maintain control of my household. I was the protector of my family. Fear makes you scramble to control your situation. Fear makes you the center of your life. Fear disables you from what is really happening.
That doesn’t sound right as a Jesus follower, does it?
I remember after months of lying awake and worrying and fretting, (I even think my husband was out of town, which made it 10x worse), I had had enough of ME.
As I laid there, I knew. I knew that somewhere deep inside me that I had tried to regain control of my life. That I was somehow the master of my destiny and all outcomes of my life were up. to. me.
And that’s not how life works as a Jesus-follower.
Looking up at the ceiling, I felt those God-nudges again. I knew, I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I knew that God had never been unfaithful to me. That even though evil lives here, God is perfect and good. And no matter what happens to my earthly body, I will live forever with God in heaven when He deems it fit.
“God, I am terrible at running my life my way. I give you my precious babies, Lord, You see them, You know them, You are their Father and will take tender care of them as will you take care of me. Whatever the outcome of my life, let it glorify You. I will not worry about what outcomes happen, I give everything over to you.”
I closed my eyes and had the best, most restful sleep I had had in months. I awoke the next morning refreshed and my spirit renewed.
It didn’t happen over night that my anxiety and fear were gone, it took willful action on my part to every night take my mind hostage and fixate on Jesus before falling asleep, but the longer I have done it, the more secure I am in what Jesus has done and so much so, that I no longer have to fight myself to sleep at all. I am free in my mind and heart from the fear that so easily entangles.
I mentioned at the beginning that I was writing to the ladies – and you can see where men can take from this too – since fear isn’t female exclusive. But a lot of us mommas tend to fret and worry over our babies and the fear of something awful happening can seem crushing.
Just know that trusting Jesus with your babies is the most freeing thing in the world – and necessary for your walk. Jesus is much better at being there for your babies then you are, although we try really, really hard. 😉
Precious ones – let go of your fear and live a life abandoned to Christ and Christ alone. Our control tricks us into thinking WE have power. We don’t.
journey of faith 